Just trust and let it be...

I woke up this morning feeling like life is exactly as it should be; everything is right in my world. I walked to work with a smile on my face, stopped for a tea at a local café, and said “good morning” to a lady walking alongside me.

Those who know me best know I have a lot to be smiling about these days. I have a wonderful 3 year old son who makes everything brighter, I’m going back to school in the fall to do something I really believe in, I have an amazing support system and a one of a kind family. My relationship with Christ is growing stronger all the time, my journey in faith is overflowing with an abundance of good things and an incredible community, and there is even a boy who has me falling head over heels.

Yet for the last few weeks I have felt a little odd. I have had this anxiety that, despite everything positive, made me feel as though something was bound to go wrong. I didn’t quite feel secure with the idea of being as undeniably happy as I felt. I kept thinking “who am I to be this blessed”, “what have I done to deserve so much joy”, and “this is far too good to be true”.

Not only did I feel guilty about feeling so blissful, I even went as far as doubting that it was real. I mean nobody just gets everything they want…Right? Life doesn’t just all of a sudden fall into place before your eyes…Does it?

In the last four and a half years I have hit every up and down imaginable and I have felt every emotion conceivable. I have shed tears both out of joy and sadness. I gave up being a kid and grew up in an instant.  I chose to take the road less traveled instead of settling for the easy way out. I have faced challenges, fought battles, and overcome obstacles. I have been broken, alone, and lost but I have also been healed, loved, and found again.

My sister used to say I was naïve. That I had this fairytale version of life in my head and my mind was made up that I was going to live that version. I believed that even though people could hurt you and even though there is evil in the world, there is still good in everyone and beauty in everything. My mother would say I am a dreamer and that that I’m just a little bit too unrealistic.  After all the things I have overcome and faced since then I’m sad to say I’ve lost a little bit of that part of me. I sort of gave up on the idea of happily ever after and become a little bit too realistic. I let my light go out a bit too much.



The me who believed in everything

 

When I woke up this morning I realized how much I missed that part of me. I miss being that Naïve girl who believed in the possibility of all things, and I miss my so called unrealistic version of reality. What I also realized was that I need to just let it be. I need to truly remember that it’s out of my hands. By doubting my current state of euphoria I in turn doubt the Lords plans for me, and I’m not fully putting my trust in him. I need to fully put my trust in him, this is a lesson I have newly learned but still at times struggle to grasp.

With this understanding I have just found that piece of me I let go and my light is shining brighter. As I write this I am smiling, the anxiety and doubt I felt is gone. I’m trusting in the plans my father has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. My future is in the happiness I have today and the happiness on the horizon for tomorrow. I know I’ll still have  new challenges to face, new battles to fight, and more obstacles to overcome, but all I can see in front of me now is HOPE. Hope in the beauty of the world we can’t always see, hope in the happily ever after I imagined, and hope in the possibility of the impossible.

Call me unrealistic or Naïve, I’m once again wearing the titles with pride because this time I have the grace of God on my side, because the reality of it all is that with him all things are in fact possible.

XoXo,

-K