Just trust and let it be...

I woke up this morning feeling like life is exactly as it should be; everything is right in my world. I walked to work with a smile on my face, stopped for a tea at a local café, and said “good morning” to a lady walking alongside me.

Those who know me best know I have a lot to be smiling about these days. I have a wonderful 3 year old son who makes everything brighter, I’m going back to school in the fall to do something I really believe in, I have an amazing support system and a one of a kind family. My relationship with Christ is growing stronger all the time, my journey in faith is overflowing with an abundance of good things and an incredible community, and there is even a boy who has me falling head over heels.

Yet for the last few weeks I have felt a little odd. I have had this anxiety that, despite everything positive, made me feel as though something was bound to go wrong. I didn’t quite feel secure with the idea of being as undeniably happy as I felt. I kept thinking “who am I to be this blessed”, “what have I done to deserve so much joy”, and “this is far too good to be true”.

Not only did I feel guilty about feeling so blissful, I even went as far as doubting that it was real. I mean nobody just gets everything they want…Right? Life doesn’t just all of a sudden fall into place before your eyes…Does it?

In the last four and a half years I have hit every up and down imaginable and I have felt every emotion conceivable. I have shed tears both out of joy and sadness. I gave up being a kid and grew up in an instant.  I chose to take the road less traveled instead of settling for the easy way out. I have faced challenges, fought battles, and overcome obstacles. I have been broken, alone, and lost but I have also been healed, loved, and found again.

My sister used to say I was naïve. That I had this fairytale version of life in my head and my mind was made up that I was going to live that version. I believed that even though people could hurt you and even though there is evil in the world, there is still good in everyone and beauty in everything. My mother would say I am a dreamer and that that I’m just a little bit too unrealistic.  After all the things I have overcome and faced since then I’m sad to say I’ve lost a little bit of that part of me. I sort of gave up on the idea of happily ever after and become a little bit too realistic. I let my light go out a bit too much.



The me who believed in everything

 

When I woke up this morning I realized how much I missed that part of me. I miss being that Naïve girl who believed in the possibility of all things, and I miss my so called unrealistic version of reality. What I also realized was that I need to just let it be. I need to truly remember that it’s out of my hands. By doubting my current state of euphoria I in turn doubt the Lords plans for me, and I’m not fully putting my trust in him. I need to fully put my trust in him, this is a lesson I have newly learned but still at times struggle to grasp.

With this understanding I have just found that piece of me I let go and my light is shining brighter. As I write this I am smiling, the anxiety and doubt I felt is gone. I’m trusting in the plans my father has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. My future is in the happiness I have today and the happiness on the horizon for tomorrow. I know I’ll still have  new challenges to face, new battles to fight, and more obstacles to overcome, but all I can see in front of me now is HOPE. Hope in the beauty of the world we can’t always see, hope in the happily ever after I imagined, and hope in the possibility of the impossible.

Call me unrealistic or Naïve, I’m once again wearing the titles with pride because this time I have the grace of God on my side, because the reality of it all is that with him all things are in fact possible.

XoXo,

-K

Slow down, Feel, Be...

 I have been sitting here staring at this blog for a month now with no idea of what to post about. It was not that I didn't have any idea's, it was that I have a million ideas running through my head at all times and to narrow it down to one was a daunting task. Finally after debating it for weeks on end and drafting ten possible first posts, I know exactly what to write. This simple message from a fellow facebooker inspired my very first blog post, which is hopefully the first of many.

‎"I really am your gift. I am not just a little person who needs to be "raised" and taught, and taken to activities....I came to the people in my life to bring a message: slow down. Feel. Be. Over and over again. When you do, you will notice immediately, that I am not an obstacle to your work, or inconvenience to your daily life. Instead, you will come to appreciate my honesty, humor, presence and love."-- Bruce Scott

To say that life is busy as a mom is the understatement of the century. Life is busy, hectic, and overwhelming and that's on a good day. I never understood my parents telling me that my growing up went by so fast. I remember thinking "yeah right, went by fast for who, because to me it was forever", but as my son grows up I can finally appreciate what they meant.  Not too long ago I wrote this in my journal...

"It amazes me how fast the days and weeks are passing by. Part of me wants to slow it down just enough that I can take each moment in and appreciate that it is another minute to lock away in my memory of life for I cannot have it back. You are growing and changing so fast and you are already so amazing"

...I guess that sums up how I feel about time passing by. Sometimes I look at my little man and think where did 3 years go, how did you grow from a brand new life into a busy pre-schooler so quickly. It happens right before our eyes, as moms we get a front row seat to watching these little lives bud, and bloom, and grow, and yet add in all the other responsibilities of everyday and it seems as though we get the least time to appreciate it. Add in dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, working, and that doesn't leave many hours in a day to just be, to just slow down, to just simply appreciate the little moments that our children give us for all that they are worth.

As I read the quote on facebook the other day I will admit I got a little teary thinking about how truly blessed I am with the gift of my son. I started to think about how sometimes life gets in the way of our appreciation of our "gifts" and we occasionally take them for granted, at least I know I am guilty of this. I know I don't mean to, I thank God every night for Trentyn, I thank him every morning for giving me another day to love him, and I thank him for trusting me with the beautiful little light that is my son.

 I also started to think how in the hardest moments I sometimes feel less then appreciated as a mom, which I'm certain comes with the job description, but does it come with the job description of being a child...I am going to have to go with a resounding NO on this one. So I'm making it a priority not only for myself but for my child, to slow down just a little bit. To stop rushing so much and realize that it truly is the little moments that matter and that if we let them all pass us by because we are too busy trying to fold laundry and make dinner, it's our loss for we can't have them back. The moments are there only for a moment, the amazing innocence that beams from our children changes every day, the pureness and honesty of their words is all too soon gone....but the dinner and the laundry, it's all still going to be there. Years from now we arent going to look back and think wow I'm sure glad I folded the laundry and got dinner on in time, we are going to look back and think of the joys we felt enjoying our children grow, years from now we will be glad we stopped to take in the memory. 

So here is my challenge from now on...

I'll remember to enjoy the gift of watching my child grow, and learn, and change while it's happening... I'll slow down for a minute every day and appreciate that exact moment... I'll allow my kid to be a kid,  and  not expect him to be anything else. I'll expect less of myself in my every day responsibilities and give more of myself to the joy of motherhood... I'll appreciate my kid for all that he is. I'll enjoy being a mom instead of rushing through it... I'll SLOW DOWN, FEEL, BE...every day.

 To my amazing gift...

Trentyn,

Sometimes mommy gets too busy, sometimes my life feels so rushed, sometimes I forget to embrace all the little things you do.

I making you a promise now, to SLOW DOWN, to FEEL, to BE.

To appreciate you every day for the incredible gift that you are.

I'm going to remember every day to tell you that you are my gift from God.

To tell you every day that you are amazing and innocent, and pure.

To encourage you every day with praise and love to keep shining your light as bright as you do.

I'll stop expecting so much from you and let you be just 3, for as you tell me daily your still "just a kid" and your only a kid for a little while.

I want you to grow up knowing that I delighted in all the things you accomplished.

That I admire your ability to offer the world the love of God without even knowing your doing it.

That I am captivated by the beauty of your soul each and every day.

I want you to grow up knowing how thankful I am that God trusted me with you.

That raising you is the most important and gratifying thing I'll ever do in this life.

That you are teaching me so much more about love, and life, then I could ever teach you.

You are mommy's truest angel and forever friend, and you hold the biggest piece of my heart

You light up my world with every minute that I get to spend with you.

Never stop being who you are because God made you perfect in every way.

I loved you yesterday

I love you today

I'll love you tomorrow
and I'll Love you always.

Xoxo,

Mommy